Searching for Safety

will we ever find it?

My tumble dryer broke last week so I had to call a repair guy to come fix it. As a single woman who lives alone, I really dislike having men I don’t know in my house because more often than not, there is some bullshit involved.

And sadly, this time was no different.

He came, took a look at the dryer and came out to discuss it with me. For some reason, he asked me if I’m married and have children. What does this have to do with anything? Is it pertinent information required to fix the dryer?

Then he seemed to be trying to find any excuse to touch me. It wasn’t groping. It was just unnecessary, inappropriate and highly unprofessional. I was really uncomfortable. But again, as a single woman, living alone, you have to assess your risk factors. Looking back now, when it’s all said and done, I’m furious with myself that I didn’t find the words in the moment to verablize ‘STOP IT!’ You just never know what the safest option is; if I speak up will he stop? Or will he get angry and annoyed and take that out on me in some other way?

As he was fixing the machine he called me in to show me what the issue was. He was laying on the floor by the dryer, holding some bit of wire, trying to explain what was wrong with it. He kept asking me to get closer and look at it. I stayed by the door, saying it made no difference to me, I don’t understand these things, I just want it fixed. As I think back on that moment now, I was wearing a loose fitting, short sweater and I’m fairly sure he wanted me to stand over him to see if he could see up it.

I want to puke.

When it was fixed, he called me back in to show me. He held his hand up for a high five, which I reluctantly did, then he gripped my hand and wouldn’t let go. He then reached for my face and I ducked out of the way saying ‘what are you doing?!’ He took my glasses off my face and kept repeating ‘I love your eyes.’

I then had to pay this man for fixing my dryer and sexually harassing me.

When he left, I called my dad and cried.

I am 43 years old.

Variations of these things happen so frequently. This should not be the price of existing in the female body. It’s exhausting. I’ve endured a lifetime of it.

I don’t know a woman who hasn’t carried her keys in her hand walking home at night in case she has to use them as a weapon, or is part of some text chain with friends to keep them abreast of her whereabouts when she’s on a date, or calls a friend when she’s in a cab just so the driver thinks twice about pulling some dodgy shit. I don’t know a woman who hasn’t, at some point, been groped, heckled, cat called, assaulted, who hasn’t had to rethink an outfit because it may attract too much attention and God forbid, someone might say she was ‘asking for it’ if the worst happened. I don’t know a woman who hasn’t had a reason to be scared of a man.

It is utterly exhausting.

Will our nervous systems ever be able to be calm?

Yes, I know, in theory, I should call the police, but I’d likely get laughed off the phone. We all know there are no consequences for these men. I can leave Google and Yelp reviews on his business, which I will do, when some time has passed, likely from accounts I will have to create so he can’t trace them back to me. Because, he knows where I live - so I do have to fear the consequences of him taking the review badly.

He likely behaves this way with women so often, it probably doesn’t even occur to him that it’s sexual harassment, that it’s inappropriate or unprofessional in any way.

The repair men, the taxi drivers, the policemen etc of the world, we really need them to be the safe ones.

I’m just barely clinging onto hope that there are safe ones.

I am so very tired.